ESPN - Extra Special Poets Network

Imagine it!
A stadium of 10 thousand screaming fans
A stage in each end zone
A 5 mic full sound system set -up
Complete with flashing lights
Smoke and theme music upon entry of each opposing team!
Sponsorship banners hang from the stands:

Yahoo groups - the official sponsor for poetry mass communication!

Southwest Airlines - the only airline poets can really afford!

Composition Notepads! - if you've never written in a composition, you've never written!

Greyhound - the way poets who are keeping it real, travel

Memorex, TDK and Maxell - blank CDs, for poets who refuse to get their CDs printed professionally and continue to burn on their laptops!

Commentating tonight's bouts are ESPN favorites:
Bob- I don't know shit about poetry and
Tom - I needed this gig to keep my job!
Two of the most disconnected people from poetry ever!
We need more people in the seats at a poetry venue right?
Television is the only thing that validates anyone's existence
So what better way to get poetry out to people who could really care less?
Monopolize the airwaves!

B: Good to see you here tonight Tom

T: Yes, Bob this is the first Poetry Slam ever aired on ESPN and the station decided to risk it's entire ratings for the evening to appease these geeks!

B: The teams are back stage warming up. I think I heard them chanting Kumbyeyah. Was that a peace pipe?

T: It was pretty strong Bob, it was a piece of something. In all seriousness these teams have competed all year long for...?! Bragging rights? Did I read that correctly? We have an error on the monitor, it reads 'Bragging rights' who wrote this?

B: No million dollar endorsements?

T: Somebody needs to get a hold of their managers. Tonight's competition brings us to the final 4 teams in the nation!

Team: Always does political poems, up first

Followed by team: We really wanted to be comedians up 2nd

In the third slot is team: We die at the end of all our poems

And in the favored 4th position is team: We think we're the poetry elite

(With such accreditations as Cave Canem and Bar 13)

B: Team Political is sending up a heavy hitter, she is set to do an old favorite. They're so well spoken! It sounds like Rap Tom!

T: Wait! She is doing a new poem! Does she have clearance for that? Where is her Poetry Approval Form in triplicate!? Has that poem been cleared by the FCC? The FAA? The ACLU? The CIA? The FBI? The Intel Headquarters? Channel 5?

B: Oh my goodness Tom! She's cursing!! Cut to commercial! Cut to commercial! Commercial Break: After Love Jones

The spike in poetry venues across the country was prolific. News reports called it "The Newest in the Black Power Movement" "The civil rights activists are back!" "Beatnik poetry returns!" "The Underground, comes up for air!"

10 years later
You'll be hard pressed to find 10 consistent venues
That lasts 10 weeks
Less than $10

T: And we're back. The teams have been warned about their language. From here on out, if they violate any of the 286 restrictions set in forth by their contractual agreement to be aired on ESPN they and/or their teams, depending on the level of severity will be immediately disqualified!

B: Team Political was given a penalty for free speech and have been warned.

T: That's right Bob, no free speech here, sponsors pay for that!

(both chuckle)

B: Next up Comic rejects!

T: This should be good, they have the advantage of humor. That's why this is the sports channel, no one wants to remember they're a loser. It gives them a chance to live vicariously through the athletes, in this case the poets. He has 3 minutes on the clock, and he's off. Wonderful posture...

B: Yes his stage presence is incredible! Look how he's drawing the crowd in...wait! Wait! Did you hear that?

T: What'd he say about my mama? Cut to commercial! Cut to commercial!

Commercial Break: Promoters book comedians to host poetry shows for draw

Promote an after party to entice a crowd unprepared for what they're getting into
What was once promoted for diversity and culture
Is now a fight for power, status quo and popularity
The best way to get people to forget their problems
Make them laugh, make them forget their issues...even if just for 3 minutes

T: We're back again. The sponsors are dropping out in rapid numbers, the ratings are dropping, I'm not sure if we're going to make it through the first round, Bob. There are no scores on the board and two teams have penalties against them. Let's see what the Suicide poets do.

B: They shouldn't have any problems getting through their pieces, especially if they die before they make any violations.

(both chuckle- retarded sounding hahahaha)

T: Boy, I hope my family is not watching this fiasco, what in the world were they thinking talking all that...truth?! I can't have my children exposed to that type of language!

T: The poet takes the stage...oh my goodness is there a drug screening?

B: He looks like death! Why is he wearing all black? Didn't that go out in the 60s? Here's his poem...

B: What is he saying...he is talking so low...what is that? A knife?! Is that ketchup?! Cut to commercial! Cut to commercial!

Commercial Break: Thousands of people that discover the art of poetry have added theatre and drama into their works. Many poets find this form of _expression quite the alternative for the real thing. Unofficially, poetry has saved the lives of thousands of people due to being inspired by or creating art.

B: Well, Tom, the suicide poets have also taken a penalty for using props. Props are not allowed in a poetry slam, only what you can use with your own body and anything available on the stage.

T: And he received a low score due mostly because that was the first and only poem completed tonight. The crowd is getting restless...what's left of it. People are starting to file out. I don't think this is what the audience had in mind, I think they expected blood and guts from a poetry 'slam.'

B: You're right, 'slam' is misleading...there is no slamming going on, only harmless poetry. It looks like whoever gets the highest score between the suicide poets and this last round by the pseudo elite poets will win tonight's championship tournament.

T: It's a shame those other teams sacrificed their chance at winning for the sake of true _expression.

B: Yeah, Tom, in 'real' sports, athletes consistently sacrifice their integrity for fame. These poets better get with the program if they ever really want to be recognized.

T: Here is the final poet of the evening...wow! She's reading from paper! Is that allowed in a competition!

B: Well, if there is no official rule, there definitely should be some point deduction! Reading off paper can't be professional...

Interjection: Although most commentators are familiar with most athletes and their stats, commentators habitually read from paper, monitors and cue cards when giving a news report to keep all the stats straight especially when giving stats on a rookie, MVP or high school athlete , in their uh...profession.

T: I can barely understand what she's saying...what is she talking about? Do you get double points for big words?

B: She needs to be on ESPN Scrabble channel. How do the judges score what they don't understand? You need a dictionary to decipher what she's saying...wow we made it through with no penalties!

T: The judges didn't seem to get it either, oooh...low 5's and 6's for the pseudo elite poetry team. Wait! What is she doing!?? She is back on the stage throwing her notebook at the judge's pit!

B: Security to stage 2! Security to stage 2! The pseudo elite will be disqualified for violating code 26.8.t.squared-A-L-46 of their contract. "No unnecessary roughness"

(Side comment) Commercial Break?

Nope! No commercial break...they deserved that one!

T: That's all from the Office Max Super Dome, Office Max a poet's super supply store! Looks like Team: We die at the end of all our poems, wins the match tonight!

B: Well, it goes to show you, even death is better than being disqualified for sacrificing self_expression!